Monday, 1 October 2012

The day you went away

Shit gets real, shit gets real real fast.

You can plan all you want but like when you are sitting on the roller coaster there is no steering wheel for you to hold and guide that puppy where you want to. You've just got to sit back, put your hands in the air and scream your lungs out to try to relieve the pressure.

Up until this point, I think you've laughed and smiled along with me. Maybe you've remembered your own story, your own battles with watermelon juice? But what I am about to tell you now, I pray you have never and will never have to experience except for reading the lines on this page. You might want to get some tissues... You have been warned.

On the morning of September 12th I woke up at dawns crack as I had any other day. I said goodbye to Deb as she left for work then proceeded to sit in bed and scroll through google for all manner of pregnancy related information. I think I actually started reading about baby shower etiquette?

I was on a rostered day off and had arrange a 'ladies who lunch' day with my friend Tara from work.
I buzzed around the house doing a quick clean and then she arrived for our first task of hitting the cinema to watch Kath & Kimderella. We sat, we giggled and moaned as we hoovered down popcorn and fizzy drinks. I was amazed I didn't have to duck out to the loo during the film.

From there it was off to spotlight to look at fabric, I spotted new Dr Suess material and began dreaming of making more little nappy covers and other items for the baby and the nursery.
We'd decided on a Dr Suess theme for the yet to be renovated room. I stopped myself from purchasing any on the promise of returning once we'd had our 20week scan and knew for sure it was a girl.

Tara indulged me by again stalking through the local baby shop, I used the story of 'you're a mum I need your professional opinion' when looking at the pram I'd already looked at over a million times.

We sat enjoying the sun and my daily lunch special of cheeseburgers, she told me stories of Jack's birth and I mused how I was excited to get a popping big belly...still something my head was yet to register was going to happen sometime in the near future according to all the websites.

Later that afternoon, unexpectedly Deb arrived home early to find us chatting away on the couch eating carrot cake. Deb had taken the afternoon from work to go have some more work done on her new arm tattoo, although disappointing for her the appointment was cancelled it was lovely to have her home..if not extremely fortuitous.

The moment Tara left, around 3:30pm, I stripped off my maternity jeans or as I referred to my uniform due to living in them anytime I wasn't at work. I declared to Deb I was a little tired and uncomfortable so I was going to lay on the couch...nothing new here.

I tossed and turned for a while, trying to veg out and watch tv when I started to feel restless in my belly. My lower back was sore and I was slightly crampy in my stomach.
'Im off to have a hot shower, think it will calm down my of the pregnancy sites explained about ligaments stretching'
I sat on the toilet to check for any spotting and pleased to find none.

I love showers, at this point I think on average I'd have two or three a day just for the sheer comfort of them..staying in for great lengths. But today it was only a brief wash down. I hopped out and dressed in my pyjamas.
"Deb, I don't feel right. I think we might need to call Dr L or the midwife's on the patient record sheet he gave me, you'll find it in the purple envelope not the purple folder" and as I finished that sentence I doubled over with more cramps. Deb flustered around looking for the number as I retreated back to the bathroom.
I sat back on the toilet and this time what I saw was blood.

Not spotting, blood.

"Babe, you need to find that number NOW."
"Do you want to go to the hospital?"
"I think so"

As I stood up and reached for a pair of pants that had been unceremoniously dumped over the bathtub days before I heard a pop and a gush of liquid escaped.

It was in that moment that as an athiest I prayed to a god I hadn't believed in.It was like the two sides of my Gemini personality came out simultaneously. One screaming "oh god, please no" and the other "it's over now"

I sat back down, tears streaming from my eyes. Looking up to see Deb standing over me and relieved to see heartbreak in her own eyes.

Blood kept flowing, Deb tried to get me up and eventually realised she wasn't going to be able to drive me herself to the hospital she called an ambulance.

I thank her for not making a joke in that moment that in all our years together I'd had a habit of saying 'rushed to the hospital' at anytime I'd had to visit one regardless of if only as a visitor.. "You know you can just say, you went to the hospital?"

She then ran around the house trying to lock up BJ, not known for loving visitors. And there I sat in the bathroom I had so lovingly regarded as my favourite room for many years as Deb had completely renovated it to my liking,slowly coming to the realisation that my world was being torn apart.

In what felt like seconds, I went from fully alert but numb to suddenly overwhelm with nausea. I yelled out to Deb 'babe I'm going to be sick! Grab a bucket' although not realising it at the time but I was about to pass out.

My eyes began to go blurry but I managed a quick laugh when the love of my life ran into the room holding an empty Chinese container to catch my efforts but then the room went black.

I heard a "hello", and these two men dressed in ambulance uniforms stormed into the room.

I remembered stories from people during their labour regaling wisdom that at some point you don't give a crap who sees your Who-ha you just want that baby out. Low and behold, there I was with my pants around my ankles and my head flailing about trying to get my eyes open to see who was in front of me. Stupidly feeling like a bad hostess to these two strangers in my home.

It took Deb and the two men to get me from the throne and my pants hoisted up.

Did I do my bikini line recently? Oh Rin, you have no blood pressure they can find and your thinking about pubic hair? Puhlease

Wheeled out to the awaiting ambulance, one of the lovely guys worked his magic and found a vein to insert a canula.

What I've come to realise where actually contractions started ripping through me and all my years of watching trash TV kicked in as I began to pant like a rabid dog in attempts to ease the pain.

Note to self: this doesn't actually work. And the substance coming through the mask placed over my face was just oxygen not labour crack..but I sucked hard just in case I got lucky.

The trip to the hospital took mere seconds...I live on the opposite side of town and somehow thought that I could figure out where we were in the journey by remembering each turn as the driver took them like some hostage victim. I must have blacked out again because one minute I was in the van and the next being wheeled into the emergency room.

Backed into a darkened cubicle, I saw a man just lazing back against the wall and my two men disappeared.

The pain again started tearing through my lower abdomen. Arching my head back I screamed out "somebody Help me!!!" All at once feeling like a text book damsel in distress but it did the trick. I was moved to yet another cubicle but this time I saw doctors and nurses swarming around me.

"We need to get your shirt and bra off" again not caring about my vanity I started peeling them off with gusto.

"ARGHHH" more pain ripped through me as I instinctively drew my legs into a bent position. Doctors and nurses asking me silly questions and making me spell out my name.

"It's coming, it's coming I can feel it. Help me Help Me" trying in vain to get someone's attention to look down between my knees.

I will never forget that sensation as I felt my little baby, the precious seed I'd been nurturing in my belly, enter the world and fall between my legs to the bed.

"It's here, it's here!" Begging desperately for someone to notice.

I saw a nurse look at the doctor as I felt them sneakily take away the gift I'd just delivered.

"What was it, what was it?" Nothing

"Corinne's partner is here, can she come in?"

Deb had not travelled with me to the hospital, needing to remove BJ from the front yard after she had somehow managed to escape during all the commotion.

As the curtain drew back and our eyes met I let out a cry of "I lost the baby, it's here. I don't know if I can see it, please don't let them just throw it away"

We hugged and my tears continue to flow like a river.

A doctor leaned over me "Corinne, you have had the baby. I've had a look at it and it appears normal. It was a little boy"

6:20pm Wednesday September 12th 2012, I'm not pregnant anymore, now what?

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